#or will they decide that because i can walk 10 steps unassisted

[finneroo]

Cross your fingers for me lads, I've been measured for the wheelchair, the cogs are turning and the health insurance just have to approve it

[primasveraas-writing]

"Kent v Linebacker" -Ted Lasso

Roy's knee is fucked. This is well known.

His fucking monster child, who he loves, accidentally fucks it up more. Such is life.

Part 2 // Accompanying AU

WORDS: 2631

XXX

Their first son is “built like a linebacker,” according to Ted Lasso. Roy shows his usual disdain at the reference to the wrong type of football, but Keeley wearily agrees- she was, after all, the one who carried then delivered their 10-pound baby.

Most people see their son and suggest rugby instead of football, even as they pile tiny Kent jerseys and footballs onto the new parents. Roy insists he doesn’t give a damn if their child wants to play rugby or football or join the damn chess club, but he also tears up the first time Keeley puts him in a tiny (or maybe just small) Richmond jersey.

Because of the way Roy and Keeley are, they balance each other out. Marriage and parenthood come to them relatively smoothly, save for typical growing pains and bumps in the road. But they figure it out, at least for the most part.

One of the more persistent bumps is Roy’s knee. Because, while he was forced to walk away from playing football, Roy is reluctant to accept other limitations. He’ll run or dance or carry around the baby’s new crib, and then swear and pop his knee back into place as needed. Doctors eventually find this out and inform him that this is, in fact, bad. Roy Kent tells them to fuck off. He doesn’t echo this sentiment when Keeley suggests that they’re right.

Because, as usual, she seems to have a point. It doesn’t always take a miles-long Christmas day walk or a rom-com style sprint to Ted Lasso to fuck up Roy’s knee. Somedays, it’s going down the stairs one too many times. Or standing up long enough to make Keeley a fancy dinner. Or jumping around in the coaches’ box after a Richmond win. So Roy concedes this matter, and anyway, he doesn’t particularly enjoy moving his kneecap around or Phoebe’s and Keeley’s face when he does so.

Roy scales back, reluctantly and unhappily. He does modified yoga with the moms and they suggest stretches to help him. Roy doesn’t push himself nearly as much, and so the pain in his daily life decreases.

Then Roy becomes a father, and then his son becomes a toddler.

Oliver is a fucking ray of sunshine. He’s inherited Keeley’s bubbly personality, something evident from his first dazzling smile and the peals of laughter that soon follow. When he starts to talk, he does so incessantly, and he puts every ounce of his energy into babbling and running literal circles around his parents. Even Keeley- even Ted Lasso, occasional babysitter- struggle to keep up. But Roy and Keeley and the Richmond team do their level best to entertain and supervise him, and it works.

Then, because they’re fucking daft, Roy and Keeley decide they want another fucking monster to turn their lives all upside down.

Oliver is three when they tell him he’s going to be a big brother. He’s overjoyed, then he cries, then he’s comforted, then he’s overjoyed again. Roy is the happiest he’s ever fucking been with his son, and Keeley pregnant, and then life comes along and fucks it all up again.

Father and son are just home from preschool, Oliver restarting his long-winded recap of his day when he sees Keeley. Roy hobbles through the door behind him, grinning at Keeley for half a second. She beams back at him, then returns her attention to their child, brows furrowing as she tries to decipher his somewhat senseless story.

Roy’s standing by Keeley’s side, hand on her shoulder as they listen the best they can. Oliver reaches a part of his tale that’s especially exciting- something about cupcakes and a classmate’s birthday, and he gives a shout, then springs up with his arms spread wide, and-

-forty pounds of force collide with Roy’s bad leg. He hears Keely gasp, which is what registers first, then his vision goes white as pain overtakes him, and he feels himself falling.

He opens his eyes a moment later, and Keeley is crouching at his side awkwardly, the swell of her stomach hindering her. Oliver gives a noise that indicates he’s probably about to cry, and Roy shushes him through a groan.

“Fuck,” Roy says, his voice strained. “I’m okay.”

Keeley purses her lips, which indicates she’s well aware of his lie, but she draws Oliver against her side, rubbing circles into his back as she takes Roy’s hand.

“It hasn’t been this bad before, has it?”

Roy shakes his head. “I think I’m fucked,” he confesses, trying to keep the uncertainty and pain out of his words.

“ER fucked?”

“Fuck no.”

“Can you get up, Roy?” Keeley would sound impatient if not for the way her tone wavers. Roy shifts, babying his leg, and Keeley watches as he winces, cringes, and swears again.

Keeley whispers something to Oliver, and he sniffs loudly before scampering off into the kitchen. His wife stands, unsteady and off-balance, and reaches down to help him. Roy uses only his left leg to rise, trying not to knock Keeley over, and he staggers before grabbing the back of the couch to steady himself. Keeley holds onto his elbow and guides him around so he can sit.

“I’m fucked,” Roy reiterates, and this time, Keeley just nods.

-

In the end, there’s no ER visit- just a few pulled strings to get Roy into the doctor the next day. Rebecca stops by to deliver crutches and a few bottles of painkillers once Keeley realizes that Roy can’t get to the bathroom- or anywhere else, for that matter- on his own. More reluctantly, Ted is called, and he promises to give Oliver the “best darn sleepover since the movie Sleepover.” Roy isn’t particularly keen on Ted being privy to this particular moment of weakness, but Ted leaves with Oliver quickly enough, and Keeley’s pretty sure that even just a few minutes of exposure to Ted is enough to force some positivity into Roy’s outlook, and for that, she’s grateful.

Roy sleeps on the couch that night, as stairs are out of the question. Even if he could manage to struggle up them, he can only imagine coming back down via a painful fall. He’s alone, too, because, despite Keeley’s protests, he’s not about to let his pregnant wife sleep anywhere but a proper bed.

He lies awake long after kissing and texting Keeley goodnight, and he contemplates the quiet of the house and the apparent severity of the situation. The doctor had wanted Roy to come in today, but she didn’t throw a fit when he insisted he could wait. Instead, he’ll see her tomorrow, first thing, and Ted will take his son to school, and Keeley and Roy will both miss work for Roy’s least-favorite type of doctor’s appointment.

-

“You dislocated your kneecap again,” Doctor Patel explains, gesturing to an x-ray of a very fucked up knee. “The first time, you twisted it.” She points to a slightly less fucked up x-ray. “But continually dislocating your knee weakened the ligaments. So, when Oliver collided with you, your ACL and meniscus tore completely.”

“That’s why it hurt so damn much.”

Patel nods, then sighs. “You mentioned chronic pain worsening over time- you did everything right, trying to keep it at bay, but this- along with additional trauma- can worsen a knee injury.”

Roy grunts. He expected as much. The first doctor he saw after his final match had warned of this, along with things like arthritis and all sorts of complications. His main worry was that his football career was over, and there was nothing he could do about that, so any accompanying outcomes seemed unimportant.

He was wrong, apparently.

“It’s not unusual for these injuries to get worse over time. Especially when you’re not gentle with yourself. But, your symptoms are indicative of severe tearing. I’m also worried about nerve damage.”

“So what do we do now?”

Keeley is the one who asks, gripping Roy’s hand. He glances at her, then squeezes her hand.

Patel hesitates. Roy likes this doctor- her knowledge and honesty have been extremely comforting to both him and Keeley over the years. She doesn’t take bullshit, not even Roy’s, and he appreciates that about her.

But it’s unusual for her to hesitate.

“I believe our best option is open knee surgery,” she says, and her eyes soften when Roy’s jaw clenches. “There are other routes we can pursue, but we’re at a point where they may not be as effective.

“What are they?”

“We can do more tests and try an arthroscopic surgery or other minimally invasive options, but-”

Roy tunes her out. He’s the last football player of his generation- he’s seen everyone he played with at the beginning of his career retire, and the various injuries that forced this fate upon his fellow footballers. Open knee surgery is a big fucking deal. Especially since he’s not a fucking grandma.

“It’s a long fucking recovery time,” Roy says finally.

A nod.

“We have a baby due in three months.” This time, Keeley squeezes Roy’s hand.

“If all goes well, you’ll be walking unassisted by then. Enough for midnight diaper changes, so long as you don’t sprint into the nursery.”

“And it’ll work best?”

“I can say with reasonable confidence that your case is severe enough to warrant this surgery, and that the other surgeries aren’t typically successful in similar cases.”

“Fuck. Let’s do it.”

-

They schedule surgery for a few days later, which is a quick turnaround, but it’s enough time for two Richmond matches to take place. The first falls on the day after Roy’s doctor visit, and the second one is the day of the surgery. This gives him pause- Roy’s first and longest love is football, and he’s loath to step away, even for a week. But he thinks of Oliver, hesitant to hug his father when they get home, and Keeley, sneaking glances at him as if expecting him to break when she’s not looking.

Roy trudges- or limps- forward. He stays home for the first Richmond match and tries to ignore Keeley scrolling through Twitter with a worried look on her face. They had debated what would be worse- to miss the match with no explanation, or for Roy to show up on crutches and in obvious pain. In the end, the desire for privacy (and maybe easing Roy’s discomfort) won out, and Keeley and Roy and Oliver watch the match from their living room. Roy and Oliver shout at the TV, and Keeley livetweets, and it’s okay until the post-match conference.

“Coach Lasso! Roy Kent was missing from the coaches’ box tonight. Can you explain why? Has there been a professional change or has something personal occurred?”

Ted holds up a hand, stemming the reporter’s flow of questions. He smiles at her easily, but Roy knows that no matter what Ted says, there’ll be speculation. A nonanswer is still an answer, but they decided as a team to keep the public in the dark as long as possible, to maintain any privacy Roy has.

“Roy and his family are jus’ fine, thank you. As far as I know, Roy hasn’t decided to leave our coaching team, so we’re all good there.” Ted clears his throat, and Roy wonders if his mentor is uncomfortable telling half-truths to the press. “Roy needed some personal time away, but I expect you’ll be seeing him back again shortly. Thanks.”

“Well, that wasn’t complete shit,” Roy muses in near-approval. Keeley hums noncommittally.

“No,” she agrees, pleased. “And I livetweeted the whole thing so nobody thinks one of us is dying.”

“Perfect,” Roy says, satisfied. So long as they don’t get hounded on the way to the hospital. He looks down at his lap, where Oliver is curled against him, fast asleep. Roy moves slightly so that he can wrap his arm around his son, and sighs.

Keeley looks up at them and grins as she takes in the sight. “Look at my boys,” she says softly, and Roy’s heart melts just a little.

-

Surgery goes well, and Roy leaves the hospital the same day. His memories of the event and the hours after are fuzzy, but Keeley informs him that he watched the Richmond match while the anesthetic wore off, and proceeded to shout an absolutely incomprehensible mix of words and swears at the TV. Richmond lost, but it was hard fought, and it’s days later when Keeley confesses to Roy that he actually cried once the final result was clear. Roy would be less concerned by this if he could remember it at all, but at the same time, he’s reassured that his plan of being totally unaffected by major surgery and attending the match in person didn’t pan out.

Roy quickly decides he’s utterly useless on crutches, instead letting Oliver expend his energy by fetching things like water and painkillers and phone chargers for his dad. There’s plenty for him to do; Oliver thrives with given purpose, and under the extra attention Roy has to spare. He hates being unable to carry his son, but he can still cuddle with him, and draw with him, and even though Keeley is burdened with bathing and chasing after Oliver, Roy can still fucking help here and there. Like telling Oliver to eat his broccoli or clean up his shit, because vegetables are fucking important and his son isn’t a slob.

His return to Richmond is less smooth. He doesn’t want anybody’s fucking pity, least of all from the boys on the team, or from Ted Fucking Lasso, but instead of the fearful reactions Roy’s used to, Roy’s treated with a gentleness he absolutely fucking despises. Nobody wants to push back against his heightened grumpiness (a side effect of knee surgery is that it fucking hurts and this makes Roy very unhappy), and Ted somehow feels obligated to hang back with him as he limps up to the field each day. His fellow coach also launches into several tirades about his and Beard’s and his great uncle Roger’s various injuries over the years, and Roy ends his first week back feeling, unfortunately, closer to all three men, including the one he’s never fucking met in the first place.

Keeley’s made sure to officially announce that he’s had surgery, explaining away his absence and all the speculation that went with it. The press will likely hound him anyways, but Roy already has his response planned (“Fuck off!”).

The crowd cheers him during their next match. He hobbles slowly behind the rest of the coaches, using one crutch even though he really should be using both, swearing under his breath at the soft terrain and his shit balance and fucking kneecaps for being so fragile in the first place. Keeley would say all this support is sweet, and he catches a glimpse of her beaming at him from the stands, Oliver bouncing on her lap, and the agony and humiliation dulls.

Richmond plays a great fucking game. It’s not their best match ever, but they win and celebrate accordingly. Roy makes his excuses earlier than usual; he knows he’s put Keeley through the wringer in the past week, and Oliver keeps rubbing his eyes, and there’s nothing more that Roy wants than to read his son a fairytale then cuddle with his wife in bed.

So they go home, and do exactly that.

Roy’s last thought before he drifts off that night, having tucked Oliver into bed and kissed Keeley quite thoroughly, is of how fucking perfect his life is. And, although he echoes that thought many more times, one of the more poignant occurrences is when his daughter is born, and he holds her in his arms for the first time.

Yeah. Pretty fucking perfect.

[shoelace-and-friends]

Seventh week of dog grooming school

So...week seven was very unfortunately cut short. Today (thursday) a blizzard started so my dog for the second half of today got cancelled and school got cancelled tomorrow as well. so you’re getting my week seven update a bit early.

Day 31: Moose the shih tzu

So...I yet again was asked per owner’s request to shave a shih tzu all over with a 10 blade. I’m not a very big fan of having to do this to a dog, especially during winter. I’m not really sure why people would choose to own a shih tzu if they want something like this honestly. At the very least Moose seems to pull this look off better than other shih tzus. I will say though he’s a terrible candidate for this sort of haircut because Moose hates his legs and feet touched, and the feet had to be poodled. Also...he just really did not want to get along with me during the groom. I had to muzzle him because his behavior towards me was quite aggressive. I also needed some help because he just really didn’t vibe with me. My instructor said that Moose normally does not act like that. At first I thought that Moose maybe just didn’t like me because sometimes dogs just decide from the get go that they don’t like people. But he was actually quite sweet with me once we were done, so I think maybe he just woke up in a bad mood that day and didn’t want to be groomed. My guess is he didn’t get much sleep the night before.

Lucy the shih tzu.

So day 31 was like double shih tzu day. And yet ANOTHER Lucy. So, Lucy came in with her brother Rex (groomed by my classmate) and right after we got the two of them bathed and brushed and we were about to dry them, my classmate noticed a couple of fleas on Rex’s body. Normally the school would not accept dogs with fleas, but at that point it was too late. Since Rex and Lucy live together, we assumed Lucy probably also had them so they ended up getting a second (super long) bath with flea treatment. I never actually saw any on Lucy, but it was a safety precaution. Unfortunately this ate up quite a bit of time so we had to rush the rest of our grooms. It was a good learning experience though I guess.

Day 32: Jasper the cockapoo

I’m giving you guys the before and after on him so you can see how much was changed. You might remember Jasper from week one. Our school doesn’t really get bichons, but Jasper has similar fur so he’s the dog I learned the bichon head style on. My instructor demonstrated most of the steps to the head on him for me, and then had me do the final step of blending with thinning shears. It’s hard. Bichon heads are like, the hardest type of head to do so it was a little confusing. I think I at least remember the steps though. The rest of the body is me though. Jasper’s a pretty good puppy and behaved better than even some adult dogs I’ve groomed. (He did bite once while I did feet, but he’s a puppy so it’s easy to forgive)

Loki the rat terrier

So rat terriers are very simple grooms. All you do is bathe them, express glands, clean their ears, trim their nails, and card the coat. Loki for the most part was a real piece of cake. He’s a very difficult feet guy though so I had help with the nails since apparently not a single student so far has been able to do his unassisted. Otherwise he’s a great dog to groom! I love carding coats because dogs love it and you really feel like you are bonding when you do it. It was a real joy to see Loki chill out and basically melt into a puddle on the table.

Day 33: Josie the airedale terrier

So, this is my first wire coated dog groom and my first terrier type hair style. This groom was easier than I thought it would be. When my instructor showed me how to do the head, it was way less complicated than our textbook made it out to be. And the body didn’t get clipped at all. Instead most of this groom was carding and hand stripping. However, we used a stripping knife to help do it instead of like, truly plucking the hairs by hand. This is a very long and very tedius process though so one other classmate did this with me to save time and so we can both learn it at once. I like Josie. She’s a very good girl as far of terriers go and one of the prettiest dogs I’ve seen.

Charlie the australian shepard

I have never met a dog who enjoyed taking a bath as much as this dude. He got the big full-blown deshed treatment. He was really into it. Grinning the whole time I raked and brushed his coat out. It must’ve felt good getting rid of his excess loose fur. He had more of it than any other dog I’ve groomed. Charlie must’ve felt lighter. He’s my friend. He’s nice for the most part (except that he isn’t a paw pad guy), and I enjoyed my time with him.

Day 34: Aggie the shichon (shih tzu/bichon mix)

So Aggie is a puppy so he sort of has an excuse for his behavior. But he was not easy. He squirms a ton and he does not hesitate to try to bite. I really tried hard to avoid doing it because he’s so young and I didn’t want him to cement it as what happens during grooming, but he bit me like three times so I was told to put on a muzzle. I had issues with him fighting every little thing I do. My instructor told me my problem is that I am too nice so he thinks he can just walk all over me. So I tried to be more firm. He was still pretty disobedient but at least mellowed out towards the end. I think I’m the proudest of his ears. His were super matted but I still managed to save them and make them look good by undercutting them. I was supposed to get a second dog today but we had to cancel because of weather.

Day 35: cancelled because there is gonna be a fucking big blizzard ☹️

So...next week will be my very last week of grooming school. Right when I get home, I already have a couple salons that are interested in maybe hiring me. I’m excited, but I am also super nervous. Two months is not a very long time...y’all pls wish me luck.

[silverandebony]

More Dragon Killer excerpt

Aerin’s hand falls back to her side, limp, and all she does for a bit is stare at the spot where Maur had been. The tremble returns to her limbs, and suddenly her legs are giving out from under her and she does a slow collapse to the ground, ending with her kneeling and staring blankly at the floor. She’s still holding the sword, but the flames have now vanished, leaving it a relatively normal (if blue) looking blade.

She is still for some time, what feels like ages but is likely less than a minute The silence makes the time seem to stretch longer, pulling it like a piece of soft taffy. 

Aerin knows this feeling. She can relate entirely. It’s that moment when the battle is over and the fighting has ended, but the mind won’t fully register it and is refusing to believe that it’s alright to stop, to rest, to find loved ones and check on them, make sure all are well, or as well as can be. It’s a certain blankness, a staticky fog that covers makes it hard to think and lets only a few thoughts rise to the surface and circle around and around and around. 

It’s not a particularly enjoyable sense. She’s glad she’s not the one currently experiencing it, and that the one who is is only putting on a performance of it, and not actually having to go through it.

The odd background is solidifying some, no longer the mess of indistinct shapes it had been. Now it’s becoming a simple darkness, all one tone with slight gradients, with no blurred edges or oil slick colours hiding within it. It’s also gotten closer to Aerin’s actress, making it even more obvious how alone she is. Her face is starkly shadowed from the single bright spotlight that shines directly down on her, making her the one light spot before a sea of darkness. 

Then there is a shuffling sound off to one side, and she turns her head towards it, just a little. “Aerin?” calls Luthe’s voice, strangely muffled, as if he were at a great difference. “You are safe now, Aerin. You can rest.” 

For a moment, it seems as if Aerin won’t answer. Then: “Who are you,” she asks, voice flat and weary. Her face has not lost the blankness, but she does look just a bit more tired. 

There are more shuffling sounds, and then Luthe steps out of the darkness. One of his hands is raised, holding a softly glowing ball of light. He stops a few feet from Aerin, and holds out a hand to her. “I am Luthe, and I have been watching for you for some time” he tells her, “but I can answer your questions when you have awoken.” 

The writer has truly put in effort to his speech, in making sure all his lines in the old dialect mode are correct while still being readily understandable. It’s nice, certainly, but Aerin’s still going to laugh about it to the actual Luthe, later. 

“Maur is defeated,” he continues, moving a bit closer, “and for now, you are safe. Please, it is alright to rest now.” 

He’s close enough that, even on the ground as she is, Aerin’ actress could reach out and take his outstretched hand if she wanted to, while still being far enough back that he’s not too close for comfort. And, going by the way Aerin’s actress is looking him, it’s clear she’s deciding on whether or not she wants to trust him. 

Eventually she takes a deep breathe and sighs, tension flowing out of her as she slumps. With the hand not holding her sword she reaches out to take Luthe’s hand, and he bends slightly to make it easier for her. He releases the light in his other hand so as to help her stand when her knees wobble, though the darkness does not grow any greater for the extra light’s absence. He helps keep her upright when it becomes clear she cannot stand unassisted, then offers her a soft, reassuring smile once she’s steadied. “All will be well, Aerin Dragon Killer,” he tells her. “You yourself have seen to that, though I will not deny I was able to give you some small aid. But it is time to leave this place, now that it has served its purpose; it is not somewhere to linger. Let us return to ourselves, and walk here no longer.”

——-

Takes place after Aerin battles Maur in the centre of the mind, as it were. I don’t want to share any of that yet because I’m quite pleased with it and want to wait for people to read it until I’m publishing the whole thing, but I did want to put something up. I’ve officially got over 10 000 words in this now; it’s become my longest one shot, and it’s not even finished yet (’:

[sofiasmusings]

Did I do it?

Welcome to this year’s edition of “did I do it?” where I look back at my goals from the beginning of 2020 and reflect on whether I accomplished them. It’s definitely been a year. To say it was a rollercoaster is a gross understatement. Sometimes I felt like the world was catapulted into a different dimension all together. So, it’ll be interesting to see what bright-eyed, optimistic, January 2020 version of Sofia had to say:

1. Invest in self care

What I said last year:

This past year, I started investing in things for myself. I got a yoga mat and a foam roller to stay active, Banish Acne and other Sephora products for my skin, and other things. I’m even looking into function of beauty shampoo right now. I used to try to buy the cheapest version of everything (hello, 98 cent shampoo in college), but now I’ve learned that you have to pay more for quality. The tricky part here is that we do live in a world that constantly wants us to spend, which means we should we wise about where we’re investing our money, rather than falling into these traps. I’m also thankful that I even have the means to spend a little more on these types of things.

The verdict:

I definitely did accomplish this goal and invested in myself and my health. I have now been subscribed to Function of Beauty for a year and i have seen a noticeable difference in my hair health. The ~$50 quarterly price tag was a bit uncomfortable at first, because like I said, I was used to spending 98 cents on shampoo. But, it made a different. I no longer have terrible split ends and my hair no longer looks dull. Hair stylists no longer roast me for my super dry hair. I love keeping my hair long, so this was a worthy investment for me. Since the pandemic hit, I also started investing in a home gym--now I have two yoga mats, a kettlebell, ab roller and weights. I was one of those people that thought that if I couldn’t lift heavy weights at the gym, then it wasn’t worth doing anything. This year, I’ve opened my mind to different ways of staying active, and I’ve never felt more strong or flexible. I’ll get more into it in my fitness goal. Of course, with the pandemic and the wreck of the economy, I acknowledge my privilege of being able to spend money on things to enrich my life, and I’m thankful for that.

2. Continue budgeting

What I said last year:

Yesterday, I downloaded the Clarity Money and Acorns applications on my phone. Clarity Money seriously opened my eyes because it linked all my accounts and showed me how much I was spending per month (and if it was over budget) and I can even see how much I spend at specific places. There’s even a way to track all your reoccurring expenses and I didn’t realize that so much of my monthly take home pay were going to those things. I think my biggest weakness is grocery shopping, simply because I like to eat really complicated meals that require a lot of ingredients. I also like to try everything so I end up with a full grocery cart that looks like it could feed a family of four. I’ve been trying to simplify my recipes recently so that I can save some money (but still get all my nutrients). I hate to mention this, but I also have a weakness with clothes shopping...that definitely does not contribute to self-care, most of the time anyway. I don’t need more clothes. This year, I want to increase the amount of money that gets deposited in my savings account, and start investing a bit with Acorns.

So, I definitely became more aware of my spending this year, thanks to Clarity Money and watching some more finance-related YouTubers. I also did open an Acorns account (still debating if I like it or not...or if it’s even useful for me) and have a decent amount of money in there. It’s not a fortune, but I absolutely love the idea of saving without even realizing. However, my budgeting style is a bit more...laissez faire with moments of sudden awareness. Clarity Money has allowed me to always have an overview of my spending habits so I always kind of have a sense on how much I spend each month on groceries vs. car-related expenses vs. online shopping. But I never really put my foot down to actually stick by a budget by limiting how much I spend in any of these categories. I think somehow it works for me because I do prioritize saving. I did increase the amount of money that gets deposited into my original savings account and did a lot of research on high yield savings accounts. In a moment of clarity, I spend a weekend looking at how I spend my money and finding ways to save without realizing that I’m saving. I opened 3 high yield savings accounts (one for a future home deposit, one for my masters degree, and one for fun/travelling) and allocated different direct deposit amounts per account. I researched how much I should have in my regular rainy day savings account. So, while my spending fluctuates from month to month, I am always putting the same amount of money into each of those accounts. The only thing I don’t do is investing, but I’m not sure if I want to get into that although it seems like a pretty smart choice given that I’m young. Sigh. I do need to spend less on clothes shopping because 1) sustainability 2) where am I going to wear these if I’ve been on lockdown for almost a year?? 

3. Embrace flexibility

What I said:

I mentioned in my “Did I do it?” post that while one of my greatest strengths is organization and being disciplined with a schedule, I also panic when things don’t go the way I originally planned. Or when I’m not productive. I’m definitely someone that feels terrible if I lay around doing nothing or if I had things planned but they didn’t happen. For example, if I don’t leave on time to go to the gym in the morning, I panic a bit. If I don’t do groceries on the day I planned to, I panic. If I have to make plans last minute, I panic. There is literally no reason I should panic, but I do. So, my goal is to be more mindful of this and try to keep myself level headed when these things happen.

Ok so this is an interesting one because I’m not sure if I would’ve accomplished if not for the circumstances of this year. This year threw a wrench in everyone’s plans and routines and ways of working and living. My biggest thing this year was to be flexible that nothing was going the way I envisioned it. My workout routine got thrown for a loop. All travelling got cancelled. The way I worked changed dramatically. And...it was fine. While working from home definitely blurred the boundaries between work and personal life, I found that it made me more open to flexibility (mostly because I was given that flexibility as well). I experimented with different routines, whether it was a morning workout one day and an evening workout the other day. Working early with a break in the middle of the day and then working later into the night. Having to jump on later in the evening because of a mini fire drill. Accepting that the circumstances of this year weighed heavily on my mind and that I needed to do nothing. That, for most of this year, our only choice was to do nothing. I learned to accept that it’s not always the end of the world if something doesn’t get done. It’s ok if I want to start my workout at 9 pm instead of 6 am. It’s ok to have those nights where I stay up a bit later playing a game. Overall, I came to understand the value of flexibility--being flexible allowed me to understand myself more and learn what actually works best for me versus deciding what I think will work best for me. 

4. Keep my fitness routine fresh

What I said last year:

While I will still stick to my regular routine (strength training, cardio and yoga), I definitely want to continue trying new things. I want to be able to hold a handstand for at least 10 seconds by the end of the year. I want to be more flexible and have my elbows touch the floor when I do hamstring stretches. I want to be able to run 2 miles straight again. I want to be able to do 10 unassisted pull ups. I want to try barre workouts and more pilates workouts. I can’t wait for it to get warm again so I can start hitting my 10k steps consistently!

This one’s 99% a yes and 1% no. Have I tried new things? Yes. Heck yes. This year, I was able to hold a shaky headstand (not headstand!) for 10 seconds, have my elbows touch the floor when I do hamstring stretches and run 2 miles straight. I’ve tried barre and pilates workouts, I’ve enjoyed the weather on long walks. I am especially proud of this accomplishment: doing yoga for three months straight. Thank you, thank you Yoga with Adrienne. I used to look down on yoga because I thought picking up and dropping heavy weights was enough. But as a very anxious and stressed person that gets too into her head, yoga seemed like the logical thing to start this year. That first session had my legs burning and I was sweating. All from holding warrior 1! Like...this was the girl who boasted about doing 115lb deadlifts (which isn’t even that much lol). While yoga started out as a fitness thing, it’s become a meditative sort of thing now. I suck at meditation but I feel way more in tune with my breath now. I realize that I used to stop breathing when I got stressed, and now I simply let out a long breath and immediately feel better. My mobility and flexibility got MUCH better and I realized that I had been battering my body without giving it time to recover. And, I did a lot, A LOT, of of HIIT workouts. They started out as a way to get a good cardiovascular workout in, but became a way to challenge myself. Shoutout to Caroline Girvan. Actually, shoutout to all the fitness professionals on YouTube that have been posting awesome workout routines throughout this whole pandemic (and for all the previous years before the world turned to YouTube for workouts). I love hearing that the workout’s going to be extreme or intense and being able to finish it. I love hitting new milestones. The reason I say 1% no is because sometimes I think I get too into it and don’t have enough balance so I burn myself out. While walking 10k steps, doing yoga and then a strength training/HIIT routine in one day is my dream, it’s often not realistic for the type of life I lead (9+ hour a day desk job in the Midwest where we have polar vortexes). I’m not trying to make excuses, but I’m still seeking that balance where I dont burn myself out while still challenging myself.

5. Tame my sweet tooth...but in a healthy way

What I said last year:

Last weekend I experimented with baking and finally tried out healthy substitutions in baking. I love myself a good fatty, buttery, chocolate-y piece of cake or cookie, but I also like not crashing from sugar (or getting a stomachache). Instead of butter, I used greek yogurt and instead of sugar, I used unsweetened apple sauce. I baked this double chocolate banana bread and I added dried jujubes and it was AMAZING. There was no added sugar and it was so moist and tasty. The best part is that it fit right into my diet and tamed my sweet tooth. My goal is to continue experimenting with this and incorporate these healthy treats into my diet.

Yes, I definitely did continue to experiment this year! In fact, I made like 100 batches of banana bread during that phase of quarantine. And, each batch aimed to have minimal butter/oil and refined sugar. I went on to make a variety of loaf concoctions (some better than others) and realized that I can indeed satisfy my sweet tooth in a more healthy way. But at the end of the day, I do still love myself a hearty piece of cake or ooey gooey chocolate chip cookie. I don’t think I can ever live a life without dessert or a life with only healthy desserts. And I think that’s ok. I know this because after my healthy baking stint, all I wanted was some real fatty, real chocolate-y dessert items....and I ate them. And perhaps too much of it. So I know that I need balance. 

6. Be productive, not busy

What I said last year:

I like to be productive, but most of the time I just end up being busy. As I wrote earlier, I hate days where I don’t do much. Sure, in the moment it feels nice to relax in bed, but there’s always that looming cloud of anxiety like why aren’t you doing anything with all this precious free time? I have to realize that sometimes resting is being productive because you’re letting yourself relax and you’re setting yourself up for success the next week. Also, while I love laying on my bed after work scrolling through social media, it usually doesn’t leave me feeling that great. I want to dedicate more time to reading or doing yoga at night for a wind down routine.

I still have that fear of not being productive, and I think that’s normal for many people. In fact, I spent most of this morning doing NOTHING and while I feel better rested, that feeling of guilt is still there. However, I have taken steps to doing the things I love instead of mindlessly scrolling (though still very guilty of that since Instagram released Reels). I read more, I did more yoga, I experimented in the kitchen more. But I still struggle with this goal a bit, and it’ll definitely be on my list for next year. 

7. Create content without the pressure

What I said last year:

I’ve been lamenting basically all year about how I never update my art instagram account and then...I don’t do anything about it. I think it’s because I feel so pressured that I have to create something amazing. I freeze up and end up doing nothing at all. I used to draw all the time--I have stacks of old drawings and paintings. I realize I used to just sit down and start creating with no expectations, worries or self-inflicted pressure. I want to get back into that mindset, not only with art but also with writing. I think reviving this blog has helped. Although I know someone might stumble upon this one day, I’m not worried about creating something perfect. I actually look forward to writing on this blog because it’s just me and my thoughts.

So....I think I overcame this with writing as I started updating this blog more this year. I remember how much I love writing and storytelling. I’ve written in my journal a bit more this year as well. But man...art. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve lost passion for it. I definitely have some talent and some skill, but I think I still get stuck because I compare myself to others. And I know that a lot of it is practicing and making mistakes and creating not so great works of art and that most of the time, we’re our own biggest critic. But I still feel like I’m held back. I have created some art that I’m proud of this year and recently updated my Redbubble, but I feel stuck. No idea feels good enough, original enough, executed well enough. If this is my goal, then I need to dedicate time to cultivating my skill. And most importantly, I just need to let go of my worries. There’s no way around it. 

8. Read at least 25 books

What I said last year:

I love books. What more can I say?

I read 16.5 books this year, and I’m not mad. I actually slacked for the first part of the year (I blame the library closing and the acquisition of a Nintendo Switch) but I dusted off my tablet and found the beauty of Overdrive and since then haven’t stopped reading. But alas, I didn’t read fast enough to reach my goal. My favorite books of this year were: The Nix by Nathan Hill and Solutions and Other Problems by Allie Brosh. I definitely plan on reaching that 25 book goal in 2021.

9. Brush up on my mother tongues

What I said last year:

Duolingo here I come!! I’ve been subscribing to more Chinese speaking Youtube channels since I watch so many videos nowadays. I’m surprised as to how much I can understand. Now I just need to do this for Spanish. I’m also considering learning a bit of Korean? Heheh.

Sigh. Oh, bright-eyed, hopeful Sofia. I do have to say that I did do this...for the first four months of the year. I dutifully logged onto Duolingo every day and stayed at the top of the charts almost every week. I started being able to read simple Chinese and understand more conversationally. And then...I don’t know. I fell off the routine. I’m not sure if it was the world blowing up or if I was putting too much pressure on myself to accomplish something, but I didn’t complete this goal to the degree I wanted to. And every time the Duolingo owl stares into my soul from my home screen, a little part of my dies. The intention and desire is still there. And so, we try again. That’s the beauty of life. There’s always a chance to try again (most of the time)!

[mrmarioallman]

Last Week’s Workouts

Last week’s workouts were week one of Mount Washington/Loon Mountain race training. As I mentioned last week, this was also the first week with my new coach.  I decided to go with Ascend Endurance Coaching after multiple recommendations from friends and chatting with Chris.  He’s got the education (Clinical Exercise Physiologist like me! In fact he worked in Cardiac Rehab too before getting into full-time coaching) and the experience in mountain and ultra training. He’s also the race director for Cranmore and Loon Mountain races so he’s got a little insider advantage.   The biggest reason why I hired a coach is because I’ve been lacking confidence in my running for many years.  I’ve been afraid of breaking myself so I nonchalantly will “train” for a race but won’t be 100% committed to a plan.  I wouldn’t even write a plan.  With two big mountain races that I want to better my time in and a 50k in the fall, I knew I needed some outside guidance to get me there happy and healthy. We are one week in and I’m stoked to see what will happen with my running this year!

And I ended the week on my birthday so things are looking good!

Monday

30 minutes Elliptical

Strength training:

Mountain Legs Circuit

Bench press

Decline push ups

Eccentric pull ups

Band pull ups

Single arm cable row w/ balance

Med ball slams

Mobility and core

I’m still on a quest to get my first unassisted pull up.  I will admit that I’m not super consistent. I’m doing pull up stuff at the gym twice/week but I’ve been told I need to do something everyday.  A friend, who can knock out pull ups like it’s nothing, told me to get a pull up bar in my house.  Every time that I walk past it, I need to hang from it, attempt a pull up or do eccentric pull ups on it. I was doing that last year but then I slacked off.  Time to get back on it!

Tuesday

35 minute run, 8:45 avg pace, 196 ft elev gain

You gotta love when you get a tailwind on the downhills.  I felt like I was flying.  Of course, there was a lovely headwind on the uphills.  Why does it always work that way?

Morning Flow Yoga @ Bending Bodhi

Wednesday

30 minutes Stepmill with speed intervals

Strength training:

DB bench press

DB pull overs

Eccentric pull ups

Band pull ups

Cable skiers

Tricep pushdown

Lat pull down

KB rack position lunges

Reverse lunge to SL balance

Bench step ups w/ DB shoulder press

KB grocery carry

Mobility and core

Thursday

35 minute run, 10:31 avg pace, 889 ft elev gain

The objective for this run was to get the most elev gain possible in 35 minutes with no focus on pace.  With only 35 minutes on tap, I didn’t want to search out a route that had mega hills so Kyle and I opted for repeats of the big ass hill in town.  It’s the hill that we visited weekly last spring.  We both had slacked on hill training over the fall and winter.  My expectations were low.  I thought I’d be able to run at least half way up before I’d have to power hike the last 1/4.  I was shocked to find that I was able to complete 5 repeats without having to power hike.  It was hard AF to keep running when my heart rate was pounding and my legs felt like lead, but I kept pushing. I’m happy to see that my legs still have a little hill climbing power still in there!

FYI – This pic was definitely NOT from today’s run.  There was way more layers and a lot less light.

Morning Flow Yoga @ Bending Bodhi Yoga with a much needed focus on hips and glutes.

Friday

Rest day

Saturday

45 minute run, 8:41 avg pace, 365 ft elev gain

Today’s run was supposed to be off-road and hilly but I opted for roads instead because of time constraints and the trails are a mix of ice and all water.  Nicole took me on a route that she said would probably give us a good dose of hills.  It seemed hilly when we were running it but when I checked Training Peaks after the run, it said only 283 ft of elev gain.  Huh? So I checked Strava – 365 ft. And then I asked Nicole what she got.  Strava – 399 ft. Garmin 308 ft. What the?!?!? I’m going with whatever gives the biggest number.

Sunday

30:41 minute run, 9:23 avg pace

Birthday run!  I usually like to do something symbolic for my run on my birthday, like run my age.  But with a coach dictating my time, I opted for adding 41 seconds to my prescribed 30 minute recovery run. It’s the little things that make me happy.

After my run, we headed up to the mountain for a beautiful day of spring skiing/boarding.  Let me clarify, the weather was great, my boarding was horrible.  It’s like I forgot how to do it!  I fell so many times it was ridiculous.  Maybe that’s a sign that the season needs to be over?

How was your week in workouts?

Linking up with the Weekly Run Down.

The post Last Week’s Workouts appeared first on Happy Fit Mama.

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[english2301]

Exercise #1: Fiction

Please choose either option and write 250-500 words. Please email it to me at monika.zaleska@brooklyn.cuny.edu by 8 pm Tuesday night. No attachments please (just copy it in the body of the email)!

A. In “The Other Place,” Mary Gaitskill interweaves the narrator’s past as a troubled teenager with his current life as a father to a potentially troubled son. Write a scene that weaves together a character’s past and present. 

Some questions to think about while writing: What can we learn about someone from hearing certain details about their past? How does the past impact how they act in the present? How can you balance “flashbacks” with scenes in the present? 

B. In “The Husband Stitch,” Carmen Maria Machado mixes retellings of folktales, fairytales, and horror stories with her own storytelling. Write a scene that incorporates a well-known story (in some capacity) into your own work.

Things to think about when writing: How can you take someone else’s story and make it your own? What balance do you need to strike between “retelling” and imagining your own narrative? What new meaning does an old story take on when you add it to yours? 

Some Examples of Exercise #1--

Lost

My father and I were joined at the hip and that’s not to say I did not have a strong relationship with my mother because I did but as a young boy I only wanted to grow up to be just like my dad. I was halfway there and being the exact spitting image of him was evidence of that. His humor, confidence, and intelligence, were all things I deeply admired. Those special childhood moments are still engraved in my memory. When I was five we went to the annual summer fair as a family in our hometown of Connecticut. I remember riding atop his broad shoulders overlooking all the other kids and their parents. I would smack his balding head out of sheer amusement. All moments of utter delight. My father was very much a part of everything, from my first football catch to those first pedals on the bicycle unassisted. He was always right there and then he was gone. And here I am now. 

 At the age of sixteen, I am without him. A little over a year ago, my dad was fatally hit by a drunk driver on his way home from work. I have not stopped grieving since. Nothing is really worth doing if I can no longer receive his patented look of approval. “Good work, kid” was a common refrain from him after I had done things like get straight A’s. However, I have been acting out in school. My guidance counselor, Ms. Thompson, says I can still make him proud and I just don’t believe her. She thinks I’m depressed. I don’t say much of anything to my mother and I know she prays for me to get back to normal. I don’t know if that’s possible but she only looks at me now with pleading eyes in hopes that time will heal. I hope it can too but I can’t make any promises. My dad always told me to never make promises I couldn’t keep. I wish he were here now to teach me how to cope. He’d have the best advice and the irony in that is killing me. -Shajuana

---

 Our dreams are a fantastical world where anything that you can make happen, can and will happen at will. Lucid dreaming gives you complete control over this temporary reality that exists only in your head, so long as your mind is in the right space. But what happens when your dreams of whimsy and magic become nightmares that warp your reality into the darkest sense of fear you can possibly imagine. Nightmares, like dreams, are portals to another world.            

As a child, I remember being plagued with weeks of nightmares that were interrupted only by waning reprieves of dreams once or twice a week, if I was lucky. The saddest part is having your dream, the one that you are praying for, shift into a nightmare. In my case, I remember every dream I had would end the same way, by my walking through a neon, geometric, glowing figure that in one way or another, always seemed to fit perfectly into the dream world I currently inhabited. I’d walk through as a child, no older than 10, mesmerized by the colors and wind up in a dark, ashen laid field that sucked joy and emotion of my very being. Everything that normally existed to make a child’s life fun and joyful, was now just darkness with a sky that looked like a void.           

 But that was my childhood. As an adult, my life is going fantastic! I have a beautiful wife, my photography is thriving, and I have a second child on the way. Best part of all, I never have dreams anymore. Nothing in my life can be going better than it currently is, that is, until my first born, who is now about to be 10 in a week, told me about this dream he had where there was this an odd glowing shape in a field and before he could reach it, I woke him up for school. I thought nothing of it as the day wore on and eventually forgot all about it until the later that afternoon since I had a shoot with a client.            

The client was a beautiful young woman hoping to make it big in the modelling industry, so we decided to go out to a cliff side that one end over looked a cliff and on the other, a beautiful flowery meadow. As we arrived, what had looked to be a promising day to shoot, no clouds in the sky, a beautiful sun shining to provide a whimsical glare on the lens, turned into a dark and dreary landscape with thunder and lightning arcing across the sky. Determined to get the shot of the day, I picked up my camera, put my face to the view finder and as I aimed it at the girl, a purple triangle appeared surrounding her, and what were once beautiful features, melted to a face of pure hatred and evil. Putting down my camera, shocked by what I saw, I was more shocked to realize that my childhood nightmare, had become my adult reality. -Xavier

---

Goldie was feeling very content by the roaring fire place. She stared at it and let the warmth wrap her like a blanket. She’d been very lucky finding the little cabin in the woods before it started snowing heavily. Not only that, but the family that was vacationing there were kind enough to make her feel right at home and safe. It was a place she could stay forever. It almost felt just right. Almost.

When Goldie had arrived, mom was making soup for her and her boys. She of course gave extra of her soup to Goldie, but Goldie did not find her soup option appealing. She looked at dad’s and the little boy’s and decided she wanted dad’s. She ate his soup and felt it was the right choice.

After dinner Goldie went into the living room to digest her dinner. The cabin had little scented candles that Goldie decided to light and the smell of pine and cinnamon apples took over. She noticed the couch had sleeping pillows and a comforter. It had been added for someone to sleep in. Goldie thought how lovely that one of them would give up their bed for her. She decided to sit in one of the chairs. Dad’s was too big, little boy’s was too small, but mom’s was the perfect fit. She felt the chair hugging her and the softness almost made her fall asleep right there.

When she decided it was time for bed she went to look for sleeping arrangements and new garments. She stepped over dad on the floor with the axe still in his head. She passed mom in the kitchen lying down with burnt skin from the hot soup. Goldie wondered if the soup would taste like mom. Sweet and naïve. She went to mom and dad’s room and took mom’s sleepwear. She felt the bed and it wasn’t quite what she was looking for. Then she went into little boy’s room. Goldie changed out of her clothes and noticed the dry blood all over her body. She decided she would clean herself later. But now she would sleep. Little boy was in bed, tied by the arm and ankles and Goldie crawled in. Goldie wrapped her arms around him and enjoyed the contrast of her relaxed muscles with his stiff body.“This is just right.” -Brenda

[trynacodalifestyle]

*Below is a Guest Blog Post I did for the magical, Jetta of Family First Midwifery*

If you’ve never heard of the term VBAC, it stands for “Vaginal Birth after Cesarean”, and it’s supported by ACOG as the safe and reasonable choice for women after one or two cesareans.  I teach VBAC classes, and frequently consult with professionals and expecting parents about the evidence for VBAC.  Before I was a doula, I led a non-profit organization that promoted VBAC birth and advocated against unnecessary cesarean births. But before all that?  I was just a Mom that wanted something different out of her birth experiences after having two cesareans; one which was very needed, and one which was wholly unnecessary.

Would you believe there was a time where I would encourage friends and family to have a cesarean?  I’d announce, “C-sections are easy!  You just lay down, they take your baby out and that’s it!”  That woman is certainly light years away from where I am today, but I remember every step of the journey I took to get here, and I definitely don’t judge that woman.  I did what worked for me and my family, and when I knew better, I did better.

I remember asking my provider with my second pregnancy what my birth would look like since I’d had a previous cesarean. Forever I’ll remember that his “informed consent” discussion with me was this statement: “Cesareans are more dangerous for you.  Vaginal birth is more dangerous for the baby.  Most mothers pick what’s best for their baby.”  Naturally, I picked cesarean.  Besides, once a c-section, always a c-section…right? (Spoiler alert: wrong)

My second pregnancy was super healthy, and my baby was growing perfectly – just bigger than average.  They moved my due date up by 2 weeks, and then they scheduled my cesarean a day or two before my 39th week.  I never questioned anything.  I felt lucky that I got to meet my son even sooner and fully trusted my providers.  My son was born with the development of a 36 week old.  He struggled breathing when he was born, was nearly air evac’ed to a local children’s hospital.  He spent over a week in the NICU.  They wouldn’t let me breastfeed, I couldn’t hold him, and for the first time I wondered how my doctors could have gotten this so wrong.  Specifically I remember the obvious thought, “Maybe doctors don’t always know everything?”.

There are two things I’d like to interject here: 1) I was raised by doctors and nurses and I support and believe in the medical system.  Doctors generally want what’s best for us, and I believe that.  2) The OB system in America is not well, and for a myriad of reasons.  We know this because we don’t stack up against other industrialized and modern countries when it comes to maternal and fetal safety during birth and postpartum. Our cesarean rates are high, and our mothers and babies are dying at higher rates than 46 other countries.  I don’t believe there is anything wrong or different with American women; I think there is something wrong with our birth culture.  There is unmistakable evidence for the safety of things like VBAC, delayed cord clamping, and homebirth – and unmistakable evidence of the uselessness of things like routine cervical checks, routine continuous fetal monitoring, and arbitrary rules about not eating during labor.  And yet, we get stuck in this cycle of doing things as they’ve always been done, just because we’ve always done them that way.

I also want to be very clear, that I am not anti-cesarean.  The World Health Organization recommends an average cesarean rate of around 10% to keep mortality rates for women and babies at its lowest.  That means 10% of the time, cesareans are needed to keep us safe and I am so grateful for that intervention when it’s needed.  The problem is that our cesarean rate in America hovers around 30%; meaning 1 in 3 women will have a cesarean.  And of those women, many are walking away from their birth with false understandings about their bodies their ability to birth.  Did you know only 20% of women will attempt at TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) after their first cesarean, and only 7% of women will attempt TOLAC after two cesareans? ��Yet less than 50% of the women opting for a repeat cesarean truly understood the risks and benefits associated with their choice for birth.  For me the crisis isn’t just about unnecessary surgical intervention, but that women are not given the respect of informed consent.  

When I was asked to write this guest blog post for Family First Midwifery, and the amazing Jetta, I sat down to write about the facts of VBAC: why it’s safe, why it’s totally reasonable and how it’s usually totally achievable.  All of that is true, but I feel like it’s missing the crucial first step: deciding a VBAC is the right choice for you.  That’s the first step of just about anything right?  And so my first official piece of advice is this: make the decision to try for a VBAC or whether cesarean is a better choice for your family.  You’ll need the certainty of that decision as you go through this journey.  I’ll go first: My name is Jenni, and I wanted to push a baby out of my vagina. 

It really doesn’t matter why you want to push a baby out of your vagina.  Maybe you hated your cesarean experience, maybe you’re afraid of hospitals, or maybe you just want to see if your body can do it.  All that really matters is that you find the courage and the motivation to go for it because girl, you’re gonna need it.

VBAC can feel like an up-hill battle.  After taking that first step and deciding to go for it, the next step of figuring out “what’s next” can feel incredibly overwhelming.  The journey starts with finding a provider that is truly supportive of VBAC, a hospital that will allow you to birth with evidence based care, and then helping your family understand that it’s not like you’re choosing to birth unassisted in a forest under the moon – you just want to push a baby out of your vagina.  It’s not fair, but it feels like we’re making this radical birth decision – there can be SO much judgment.

More than anything, that’s what I remember about planning my first VBAC; all the well-meaning conversations that made me feel like I was putting myself and practically everyone in the delivery room in danger by choosing VBAC. 

“So when is your c-section scheduled?” my friends and family would ask. 

I would prepare myself and answer, “Oh, I’m actually planning on a VBAC.” 

Then, “What’s a VEE-BACK?” 

That was always followed with an explanation, then a horrified gasp at my maverick birth choices, followed by my prepared VBAC101 elevator speech that covered the high-level facts and safety of VBAC.  I realized quickly who was in my peace bubble, and who was going to shake my confidence in my birth journey.  I sorted them accordingly and abstained from further birth conversations with the latter.  So this is my second piece of advice: find supportive (informed) friends to share your birth planning with.  We are not obligated to explain our birth choices to anyone, and it’s much easier if you can surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people.

Other helpful contributions from friends and family (and the internet) you’ll get when planning a VBAC: “What about your other children?”, “You don’t get a medal, you know.”, “Isn’t it just easier to do a cesarean?”, “You know, your mother/sister/grandma could never push a baby out.”, “Don’t people die from VBAC?”, “I heard your uterus could rupture!”  Unfortunately, we need to be rock solid on our evidence, or it can be really scary and we’ll be easily rattled by outdated or flat wrong information.

If you’ve heard about VBAC, you’ve probably heard the term, “uterine rupture”.  A uterine rupture can be dangerous, but is not common.  Even though a scarred uterus is more likely to rupture, it is still not statistically likely to happen.  There is an average of 0.4% rate of uterine rupture in women that started labor autonomously (without the help of induction or augmentation).    Making a decision to have a cesarean because of the risk of uterine rupture is akin to checking yourself into the hospital for a cold, because it may become pneumonia. You are more likely to experience the negative effects of the infection and risk in the hospital setting (or cesarean) than you are just proceeding as normal (with a vaginal birth).  It’s important to understand uterine rupture; how the risks are increased, what interventions are contraindicated and what the signs and symptoms are.  Understanding the whole picture helps take the big and scary out of uterine rupture, so you can realistically prepare.  That said, my third piece of advice is this: I encourage you not to let fear control your decision making.  We all have to do what we feel is best, but I can assure you that uterine rupture is not the biggest risk you can face when having a baby; it’s simply exploited because it’s statistically and specifically more likely to occur in cesarean women.  I want to emphasize: Being “more likely” does not equal “likely”.

I could literally go on and on, and on and on and on.  There are so many myths, fear-tactics and misunderstandings when it comes to VBAC, and birth in general.  My hope is that any readers of this post would feel more empowered, and open to exploring their options for birth.  A medicated hospital birth is the norm, and even cesareans are considered “normal”, but there are resources and birth professionals that can help you navigate this journey so that you can walk away from whatever birth experience you have feeling empowered and respected.

So, my friends, my final advice is this: Remember that YOU are the boss of your birth.  It’s YOUR baby, and YOUR body.  Ask questions, find the best providers, birth in your safest place, and research your options.  An empowered birth doesn’t only happen with vaginal births; an empowered birth is one where you were respected with true informed consent regarding all choices about your birth.  Don’t settle for less, and you’ll walk away feeling like a warrior regardless of how your baby comes into this world.

[mamaladyhood]

Welcome, Sweet Boy

On April 29th, 2018, my husband and I welcomed a baby boy into our family. This is his birth story!

It was a normal Saturday (a few days past my due date). My husband (Brian) and I went garage sale shopping in the morning, did some chores, and went to Olive Garden with his sister and boyfriend for dinner. Little did I know, labor would begin later that night!

I started cramping around 11:00 pm-ish. I was worried about knowing what a contraction would feel like. For me, it felt like an intense period cramp. At first, they were about 15/20 min apart and they slowly got closer throughout the entire night. Before I knew it, it was the next day and the pain was intense. If you’re worried about pain, it helps to remind yourself that a contraction is only 60 seconds and after that, you can relax. Knowing and reminding myself of that helped me get through the night of labor. It also helped to have a dependable husband to encourage me and time the contractions.

In the late morning, I called the hospital and asked if we should come in, but they encouraged us to stay home until contractions get closer together. I must have called the hospital 3 or 4 times because I was so anxious. Finally, my husband and I decided to go in at about 12:00 pm even though my contractions didn’t seem close enough. 5-1-1 is the rule (5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute, for at least 1 hour).

I remember every single bump of that car ride! I thought I could walk in unassisted but I only made it a few steps outside the doors. That’s when Brian abandoned our car and fetched a wheelchair. We got all checked in and settled into the staging room where they determine how far along labor is. I was already 8 centimeters dilated! Apparently, it caught the nurses by surprise and we had to get moving rather quickly after that. They asked me the big question, “do you want an epidural”. I was initially on the fence and wanted to decide at the moment. I don’t know what made me say yes (pain? fear? tiredness?), but I’m happy with my decision.

After I was settled in my labor room, my nurse said we would “slow labor down” by letting me rest until I was at 10 centimeters and I felt the urge to push. About 30 minutes later, it was time! 30 minutes and 7 pushes later, Benji was born! Seeing him for the first time was unexplainable. I remember a single tear rolling down my cheek as I held my baby boy for the first time. I couldn’t believe he was here and time stood still as Brian and I admired our first born.

[corneliussteinbeck]

GSS Spotlight: Concita Thomas

Name: Concita Thomas Age: 40 Location: Dallas, TX

What does being a Girl Gone Strong mean to you? Being a Girl Gone Strong means that I take ownership of my life and results — both the good and the bad. I acknowledge that my actions influence my outcomes. If I don’t like the outcomes that I am getting from the gym or from life, it is up to me to take different actions. It also means that I accept that outcomes aren’t guaranteed — even when I do my part. I get to balance determination and patience. The determination is to do my part and the patience is to allow God to do His part. The patience part isn’t my strong suit, but I am working on it.

How long have you been strength training, and how did you get started? I have been strength training regularly for the last 14 years. However, I started playing around with weights about 26 years ago — back when Step and Sculpt classes were popular.

What does your typical workout look like? Most times I am training to be able to keep up with my kids and feel good in my clothes so I don’t usually follow a strict training program. My aim is to get the most work done in the shortest amount of time. I stick to basic primary movements and get creative with my exercise stacking and rest periods to challenge myself. My workouts always includes some mix of squats, deadlifts, push-ups, pull-ups, and combination movements like squat and press or lunge and upright row. However, I do enjoy training shoulders and glutes for aesthetic purposes. So, sometimes I add extra isolation moves for those areas.

Favorite Lift: Deadlift! There is something so empowering about lifting heavy weight off of the floor. Plus, the skill carries over beautifully into real life. Moving furniture solo really is no big deal and I like that.

My second favorite is the Turkish Get-Up. I don’t practice it in the gym often anymore. However, when I became a mom, I really appreciated all of the TGU practice I had done.

There is something magical about being able to get off the floor with a 30-pound toddler who is fast asleep on top of you without requiring any help.

And, getting her into bed without waking her up makes me feel like a superhero.

Most memorable PR: I have two. Doing three unassisted pull-ups and doing deadlifts for reps with 215 pounds. These happened around the same time. This was during a brief stint when I decided to train for strength rather than for conditioning or aesthetics. It was pretty exciting to see how strong I could get in such a short amount of time. However, I didn’t keep training that way for long. At the time, I was more interested in training for obstacle races and keeping my workouts short.

Top 5 songs on your training playlist: What is that? Seriously, I have to admit that I don’t even have one anymore. Most days, I slip into the gym early in the morning as quietly as possible so that I don’t wake up anyone in my family. Most times, I just enjoy the silence before my family wakes up. Other times, I listen to a sermon from church or turn on Pandora radio. The station varies depending on my mood. Sometimes it is Instrumental Hip Hop or 90s Hip Hop. Other times, it is Neo-Soul. If my daughter wakes up and joins me, it is the Toddler Music station. Super weird selections but I just go with whatever mood I am in that day.

Top 3 things you must have at the gym or in your gym bag: My sports bra is the only requirement. No sports bra, no workout.

Do you prefer to train alone or with others? Why? I like a mix of both, but I train alone most times. I am extremely outgoing and give a lot of my energy when I engage with others. My workout time is my time alone to replenish that energy. Plus, my workout time varies wildly depending on my family schedule, work schedule, and my daughter’s sleeping patterns. I prefer not to add coordinating times to that mix.

I like to train with others from time to time though mostly to push myself. Every time I work out with someone else who is serious about training, it pushes me to level up even more. It isn’t about outdoing the other person but partner training helps me to see where I am holding back or staying in my comfort zone. I like that.

Most embarrassing gym moment: Well this has happened more than once. But, I would have to say I find it pretty embarrassing when I am really struggling on the last leg of a tough dropset. I promise no one ever walks by on the big bad heavy sets but the parade begins as soon as I am struggling with the lightest weight. It is kind of comical. The weird looks are hilarious.

Most memorable compliment you’ve received lately: The other day, my husband sent me a text to tell me that I was really doing a good job with life in general. It was right after I had screwed something up. So, it was the perfect little reminder that I don’t have to execute perfectly every single time. Doing my best and caring still trumps everything else.

Most recent compliment you gave someone else: I told my friend that she was better than she realizes at what she does for a living and that she can totally charge more. Funny part is that I am her client too.

Favorite meal: Any seafood meal that involves well seasoned crab or shrimp works for me.

Favorite way to treat yourself: Hands down… A VACATION! I love to travel.

Favorite quote: “To whom much is given, much is required.”

What inspires and motivates you? My ancestors and my family inspire me. When I remember all of the obstacles that those who came before me have navigated, it makes my day to day problems seem miniscule. I look at their sacrifices and triumph and know that I can handle what’s on my plate. Looking forward to the legacy that I want to leave for my family gets me going on the good days and keeps me going on the bad ones.

What do you do? I am a Food & Fitness Strategist. Sounds fancy but that means that I help women who are on a weight loss journey figure out how to move and eat in a way that gives them results without making the process a second job. I do that through my Coaching Club and one on one coaching.

What else do you do? Whenever I get a chance, I travel. Even if I just go across town to a hotel where someone else is responsible for making the beds. Outside of that, I enjoy trying adventurous activities. So far, I have tried speed boating, riding an ATV, stand-up paddleboarding, and indoor surfing. Skydiving is still on the list. I haven’t found that one thing that I do over and over again. Although, stand-up paddleboarding is the one that I have done most often.

Describe a typical day in your life: Most days, I get up around 4:30 a.m. That is my time for reading the Bible, drinking coffee, and working out. After my workout, I shower and get dressed and wake up my family. The morning is spent making breakfast and lunch and preparing to do morning drop off. After everyone is dropped off, I work. Depending on the day, work includes training clients in person, doing coaching calls with my online clients, writing articles or workouts, and interacting on social media.

I am usually able to squeeze in a leisure walk while I check in with clients online. I’m sure I look strange pacing up and down the street while staring at my phone but that works for me. Work lasts until around 2 p.m. At that point, I hop in the car to go get the kids. Pick up is followed by homework, after school activities, dinner prep, and family time. After the kids are all showered and in bed, I get to hang out with my husband. I am usually asleep by 10 p.m.

Your next training goal: I just signed up to do an Urban Dash. I haven’t done obstacle races for at least three years — definitely before I was pregnant with my daughter. So, I have included more running drills in my training and brought pull-ups back into the rotation.

For what are you most grateful? I am most grateful for choices.As I get older, I take that for granted a lot less.

Whenever I am struggling with a tough decision, I remind myself that I am extremely fortunate to have a choice. I am grateful that in many situations, I get to decide.

Of what life accomplishment do you feel most proud? I would say my first experience with natural childbirth felt like a major accomplishment. Pushing out humans without medicine was hard. It was one of the longest and most intense workouts I have ever endured. I went into it fully realizing that there were no guarantees but determined to do my part to make it happen.

So the backstory is that outside of the gym, I do not tolerate pain well. Actually, I just avoid it. For example, my doctor still uses pediatric needles on me whenever I get blood work because the bigger ones hurt. So, you can imagine the doubt that my husband had when I announced that I wanted to have a natural childbirth.

While we were going through our Bradley Method classes, he kept reminding me that I didn’t have to do this if I changed my mind. For some reason, I felt that this was the path for me. I couldn’t really explain it. I just knew it. The experience was a physical representation to me of what is possible when make a commitment and get the right training to do something you feel called to do.

I often draw on that experience when I face hard things or I am tempted to give up on something that I know I am called to do.

Which three words best describe you? Optimistic, Resilient, and Tenacious

What’s the coolest “side effect” you’ve experienced from strength training? I get a kick out of being able to do things that people assume that I can’t. So whether it is carrying all of my groceries and my toddler into the house in one trip, lifting my toddler and her stroller onto the rental car bus at the airport, or beating my son’s friend and his mom in a foot race after school, I just like feeling capable beyond expectation. That smile on my son’s face after we won was a nice little bonus too. To me, physical capability is a silent message to take me seriously — even beyond physical stuff.

How has lifting weights changed your life? I have always been tenacious, but I have always been a big rule follower. I tended to expect things to always turn out right if I took the right steps.

I think lifting weights has made me more comfortable with unpredictable progress.

Lifting weights has taught me that you can do everything right and things still may not turn out the way you expect. The process has taught me to accept that things getting ugly before they work is OK and sometimes a necessary and valuable part of the process.

What do you want to say to other women who might be nervous or hesitant about strength training? Try it. You may like it. If you don’t like it, you can always stop. There really is nothing to lose!

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